D. Marie 
Terrence Horan/MarketWatch
Dear Moneyologist,
My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my father remarried one of my mother’s friends. A few years after that, our mother died of natural causes. Although my siblings’ and my relationship with our stepmother has always been amicable, it has changed since he moved into the latter stages of vascular dementia.
Our stepmother says she finds it hard to cope with him and wants us to look after him for a week so she can go on holiday. I never got on with my father and I live abroad with my husband and children and run my own business. It’s not easy, or financially viable, for me to take a week off and travel to the U.S. to look after him when a trained and paid carer could do the same. My brother also lives two hours away and works long hours in a demanding but badly paid job.
The other sibling has mental health issues. I live 3,000 miles away and I flew back to the U.S. only recently to help take care of my brother. It seems like an impossible request, given the circumstances. However, we have been very hands-on in the past, and have tried to help my stepmother manage this situation.
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For many years, we suggested that our stepmother hire someone to give her respite care so she can travel but, although they have the money, she has refused to do so. We have also offered to do research for her on groups who can give advice and support about how to manage dementia sufferers. (My stepmother lives in Bedford, N.Y.)
We wanted to put in place a structure of long-term care, rather than short-term (and logistically impossible) stop-gaps. Ten years ago, when out father was diagnosed with dementia we suggested a family meeting so we could all talk through and create a plan to meet his ongoing and future needs. (Also, that would allow us to plan and save financially if an emergency happened to them). She was not interested. Our input was not welcome.
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In the last few months, she has cut off contact with me because I will not look after him for a week. Soon after, he became seriously ill suddenly and she did not contact me about it. I emailed and called her but she has not returned my calls. Do I have a right to know about my father’s health?
Also, I have heard that distant cousins of ours have now offered to look after him for a week so she can travel. Our father does not like these cousins so they were not around much when we were growing up. Our stepmother has become close to them in recent years. My siblings and I fear that now that he is coming close to death that people are trying to gain favor with her so they will be put in her will.
Do stepchildren have any legal rights to health information on their parent and inheritance rights if he dies before her? Also, much of the furniture that our mother left to us in her will is in their house. Do we have any rights to it if he dies before her?
Ella in London
Dear Ella,
There are no winners here. And no villains. Just a family struggling under the weight of an impossible burden, even a desperate one.
It may be that your stepmother is presenting you with an impossible situation: She refuses to pay for care or put a system in place that takes into account that your father (a) was not close to his children and (b) that they live thousands of miles away and can’t take a week off to do what a paid carer could do, arguably better. Perhaps this is an opportunity to meet her halfway. Is it possible to go for three days, instead of seven, and with your brother arrange relief for your stepmother?
As your stepmother has (for now, at least) cut off contact, it may be that this was a test. I’m not suggesting that she is not genuinely upset, but she now has a reason to push you away. Or it may be a case of bravado. Some people, arguably older generations, don’t want a stranger in their home and believe they can do it all by themselves, even though the family member would clearly benefit from professional part-time or round-the-clock help.
To the question of inheritance and items of sentimental value that you feel might be lost to you (or be held as a form of ransom for not flying back to the U.S. so your stepmother can take what is likely a much-needed and, I’m sure, well-deserved vacation). Your father would need to be of sound mind for any will to be valid and, if he has not made a will yet, it’s likely too late for him to make one now. Who knows your cousin’s motivations? Either way, for your stepmother (and father) it’s a win-win.
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If your father left his share of the home to you, it would be your right to claim that, says David Waltzer, a New York-based attorney specializing in mediation. Without one, “There is no affirmative right for a child to be kept in the loop about a parent’s medical developments. Unless there is a document directing otherwise such as a power of attorney or health care proxy, your stepmother, being his spouse, is empowered to make certain choices.”
It’s hard to make a call on issues of inheritance when the items are of sentimental rather than material value. Litigating elderly care is painful and expensive,” Waltzer adds. “You need to do a sober cost-benefit analysis. If the controversy is about a stepmother and some furniture, it might be better to let the sands of time run their course and let it go.” All that should, of course, take a back seat to the most immediate issue at hand: Your father’s health. It’s worth trying to re-open the lines of communication by email or phone, and outline the need for professional help.
From the little detail I have, there does not seem to be a case of elder neglect or abuse here. That said, there are strict laws that prevent neglect or abuse of the elderly, Waltzer says. If if you believe your father is any way neglected, you ought to immediately contact your local protective services agency. “Your stepmother is not allowed to deprive your father of necessities so to preserve wealth in your father’s estate for her own eventual benefit,” Waltzer says. Adult Protective Services in your father’s catchment area is a good place to start.
As your father’s condition worsens, it will be more difficult to try to manage these relationships from afar. You stepmother has choices to make about who to have (or not) in her life — and so do you.
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Published at Sun, 16 Oct 2016 14:37:25 +0000
